Visiting grandma’s house is going to be a lot different this holiday season. Instead of 'Grandma, what big teeth you have!' It’s going to be 'G–man what cold hands you have!' as thousands of unsuspecting travelers undergo their first enhanced airport 'pat–down' at the hands of TSA.
All Washington airports now have 'full–body scanning' machines. These produce a stem–to–stern image of the traveler in his birthday suit that is described as a 'virtual strip search.'
Sec. of Homeland Insecurity Janet Napolitano assures us this blast of radiation is perfectly safe. While we should rightly fear 'climate change,' 'tax cuts for the rich' and Obamacare repealing fanatics — getting microwaved at the airport is a benefit of modern air travel.
Sec. Incompetano also promises none of your centerfold photos can be forwarded by email. Therefore, total strangers can’t ridicule your Christmas package, so to speak. The 35,000 full–nudity images saved by U.S. Marshalls in Florida were simply an unfortunate oversight.
Travelers more concerned about the immediate embarrassment of feds viewing private parts your husband hasn’t seen in years, should also rest easy. Incompetano guarantees “all images generated by imaging technology are viewed in a walled–off location not visible to the public.”
The fact this sounds like someone viewing porn in bathroom stall should in no way influence how you feel about the secretary’s assurances.
Of course, if you are one of those hysterical pubic privacy prudes, the government has plans for you and it involves rubber gloves.
Government match–makers fix you up with a highly trained TSA pecker–checker who always gets to third base on the first date.
According to survivor accounts, the TSA (Ta–Ta Squeezin’ Animals) inspector feels his way up the leg until he meets “resistance.” This is not the citizen screaming, “Please don’t squeeze the Charmin!” but rather your genitals. Then they take a hand count from the front of the groin, go up the other leg, conduct a thorough examination for lumps in the breast area and when it’s over ask if you’d like a cigarette.
You can imagine what happens if a woman is wearing a dress. As Mark Hemingway’s wife told him after her groping, “In some cultures I would be married to my screener by now.”
It will be interesting to see if these amateur proctologists change their gloves after each examination. Or will they just transfer germs from traveler to traveler as sort of a government seed project for the next big epidemic.
Normally for a groin examination like this you’d have to pay at least $25 in DC. So why has Big Sister started a “pubic option” for free at the airport? Simple. Government is marking a significant event in history, much like Armistice Day.
During last year’s Christmas season the underwear bomber attempted to throw a party in his pants as the plane landed. Now, almost a year later, in observance of the event the TSA (Touch Squeeze Admire) inaugurates nude photos and the touchy–feely treatment. That’s what I call turnaround time.
Next week they announce the installation of new anti–aircraft batteries at Pearl Harbor.
Make no mistake, the aggressive “pat–down” is solely designed to make opting out of the full–body scanner so unpleasant that no one will choose to avoid the TSA’s new toy.
This new regime might be tolerable if the people making the rules had to obey the rules. Normally you can’t keep politicians away from a ribbon–cutting with a water cannon.
But I don’t recall seeing photos or video of Napolitano raising her arms as she was the first to try the airport MRI. Or TSA’s John Pistole having his groin groped by one of his 67,000 employees. That spectacle would undermine the authority or offend the dignity of our betters.
And don’t expect any shows of solidarity from pilots or flight attendants as you enter the line for freshly squeezed. Barging past the paying customers to cut in front of the security line is no longer enough for flight crews. They want special treatment.
Which also applies to Muslims according to the Council on American–Islamic Relations, a noted terrorist apologist group. CAIR recommends Muslim women refuse full–body scans as un–Islamic and inform the pat–down police they may only be searched around the head and neck.
The grope–downs and peep–show scanners are just for us proles, because as Incompetano says, "It's all about everybody recognizing their role." And our role is to portray sheep.
Americans have been given yet another choice to go with paper or plastic; smoking or non; and regular or decaf?
Except this time it’s radiation or degradation.
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